Photo taken at: Rebak Island Resorts Langkawi

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I had problems falling asleep tonight (a rarity) so I decided to watch a couple episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. In one of the episodes the analogy of someone letting go of your hand representing a sense of loss or not feeling needed anymore hit me square in the heart.

Both my mother and father let go when I was 7-10, my mother whom I never saw again since the age of 10, my father came back into my life partially after the age of 15. Then a partner I had thought was committed for life let go suddenly after 9 years, and a few short years after, my father had let go fully, albeit against his own will with mental degeneration and death.

The advice given in the story was that when the letting go happens, we get our own hands back, to do what we need or want. In the case of my ex and my father, I whole heartedly agree, you get past the loss to discover yourself again; however with case of my mother, it is a different scenario. I was a child, I still needed her. I was surprised to find again tonight, that the loss of her, the pain will always be a memory in my heart, it is and will likely always be a part of me.

The memories, instantly brought back the ache in my heart and tears. Hopefully this grieving  means another layer of healing…I can never fully understand people that can’t commit to their responsibilities or duties, I know I am the way I am because of my experience with loss, and due to parents who didn’t understand or couldn’t uphold their sense of duty… I grew up to operate with a very strong sense of commitment and duty, for better or worse

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