Tag: delusion

no smile to be had | hair cut + shave day


no smile to be had | hair cut + shave day on Flickr.

I can barely get him to smile nowadays. I used to be able to get him to smile post buzz cutting his hair, trying to charm him with how spiffy he looks and now the nurses will see how handsome he is without the scruff. But no reaction the last couple of weeks.

He’s loosing himself. His eyes droop and his eyes seem to be loosing colour. He’s more irritable as well. Even his long term memory is getting less and less. I know what’s to come, and I can accept it, but I still feel anxious and sad.

holding hands

he now holds my hand | hair cut + shave day on Flickr.

In the last few weeks, my father has accepted my hand to help stabalise him when he walks. Now that he’s struggling a lot with his heart condition, atrial fibrillation/ arrhythmia, he’s even more dizzy and weak. I’ve found him to be unwilling to getup sometimes, until I offer a hand. He now holds onto my hand and won’t let go even when he’s safe to do so.

It’s such a change in relationship, when my father rarely even offered to hold my hands when I was a little girl. It felt awkward at first due to us never having that kind of contact.

This visit found us walking hand in hand slowly, at his pace, down hallways when I take him downstairs to the garden to eat the take out lunch I bring. Each time I see him, he seems to be another increment more faded. It’s moving so fast.

Bittersweet moments seem endless these days.

double sided feelings

For the second day in a row, my father has not called me, I feel almost confused by this change. I’m finding the peace I needed for so long, but have mixed feelings about it because it simply reflects the decline in his condition. I witnessed him not being able to make a simple phone call last week, he got frustrated enough that he pulled the phone apart and unplugged it in his confusion. I can only begin to imagine what is going through his mind, if he is somewhat aware, as I’m struggling to adjust myself. So far I’ve been dealing with sadness over this new development, which comes another level of acceptance of what is, and what is to come… I can only hope that this brings a bit of peace in his busy and confused mind as well. I really do.